It's the last day of Week 12 of my cigarette abstinence.
The first day of the 12th week is the first day I should be nicotine free entirely. I was expected to have successfully weened off the lozenges at that point. I'm still stuck at around the success level of a 2 Weeker. And I f**king hate it.
Every time I reach for a lozenge and pop it free of it's blister pack, I feel the subtle excitement in taking a form of action to achieve a level of relief from some vaguely nagging feeling.
Shortly after, I feel a pressure in my chest, a slight nausea and acid indigestion burn. This is followed by a feeling of disgust, and self loathing.
I'm angry that I'm stuck here in this quagmire. The comfort of knowing that I'm not taking in the deadly smoke has faded.
Someone told me, or I read somewhere, something about how long it takes for a habit to imbed itself. I believe the idea was that if I do something for 20 days or so, the habit will stick, or 20 days without and the habit will loosen...or...what the hell am I talking about!? I can't even think straight right now, as the burning in my stomach is increasing.
Aaarrrrgghhh!!! I hate it!
All of it!
I've actually moved backward. I got to a point where I could go 2-3 hours between lozenges (to be clear, I mean the time between putting one in my mouth to putting the next one in my mouth; not between one being dissolved/spit out and popping in the next one). Now, although, I occasionally go 3 hours between, it's usually 2 hours or less. Sometimes I can only go an hour before dropping the next.
I hate it. And I just can't seem to apply the discipline to get back on track; to force myself to wait longer. I need another quantum leap.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
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A billion people have quit smoking. More than 90% did it going cold turkey. My concern for you is that when you fail with nicotine replacement, you won't have enough left in you to try to quit again. It happened to me--I thought it was great because I did manage to quit for a year and a half, but when I relapsed I didn't want to go through weeks and weeks of nicotine toying with my soul.
ReplyDeleteCold turkey: the worst is over in just 3 or 4 days. Best of luck to you.
Same anonymous guy as above, just wondering if I was taken? Is this site paid for by Marlboro, a narcissitic inversion, just for laughs, or what?
ReplyDeleteI don't know what you mean by "taken." Nothing's paid for here; it's a free blog. Hopefully there are laughs within the self loathing tales in this blog.
ReplyDeleteYour advice pops up in my mind at various times in the day; it is welcome and considered, even if I didn't acknowledge it with an immediate reply.
I'm still in the same quagmire as the last couple entries and I don't have any new or newly recalled stories, so the blog is in a temporary stagnation...