It's the last day of Week 12 of my cigarette abstinence.
The first day of the 12th week is the first day I should be nicotine free entirely. I was expected to have successfully weened off the lozenges at that point. I'm still stuck at around the success level of a 2 Weeker. And I f**king hate it.
Every time I reach for a lozenge and pop it free of it's blister pack, I feel the subtle excitement in taking a form of action to achieve a level of relief from some vaguely nagging feeling.
Shortly after, I feel a pressure in my chest, a slight nausea and acid indigestion burn. This is followed by a feeling of disgust, and self loathing.
I'm angry that I'm stuck here in this quagmire. The comfort of knowing that I'm not taking in the deadly smoke has faded.
Someone told me, or I read somewhere, something about how long it takes for a habit to imbed itself. I believe the idea was that if I do something for 20 days or so, the habit will stick, or 20 days without and the habit will loosen...or...what the hell am I talking about!? I can't even think straight right now, as the burning in my stomach is increasing.
Aaarrrrgghhh!!! I hate it!
All of it!
I've actually moved backward. I got to a point where I could go 2-3 hours between lozenges (to be clear, I mean the time between putting one in my mouth to putting the next one in my mouth; not between one being dissolved/spit out and popping in the next one). Now, although, I occasionally go 3 hours between, it's usually 2 hours or less. Sometimes I can only go an hour before dropping the next.
I hate it. And I just can't seem to apply the discipline to get back on track; to force myself to wait longer. I need another quantum leap.
